FOMO

I kept telling myself that I'm going to get to bed earlier, but that doesn't seem to happen.

Is it FOMO? Who knows?  I tend to think too much.  And I tend to worry too much.  I have an 85-year-old mother who loves to talk to scammers on Facebook.  She's so lonely that this fills that void for her, although I keep explaining that these people are not her friends.  They're not in love with her and they're not coming to rescue her.  She knows that, but she continues...  Sometimes, I spend a lot of time trying to make sure she's not being swindled.  

Apparently, I haven't always been successful, as she went through a lengthy period where she was spending more than usual and no matter how much I asked, she denied giving anyone money.  Now I've come to find out that the newest scam involved buying gift cards and giving the information to the scammer.  Who knew? Now I know... But she's a grown up and I can't stop her from giving away the little bit of money she gets from Social Security and her tiny pension.  I just make sure she has groceries and a place to live, and I hope she stays safe, and I never drive my own kids crazy that way. 

Meh... glad I didn't inherit that insanity from her!

When a song makes you cry...

 

Got a text from a friend who wanted to know if I'd left something out in the rain, and it immediately brought my mind to "MacArthur Park" by Donna Summer (someone left the cake out in the rain?) -- it made us laugh because she said she never knew what that song was about.

OF COURSE, I had to Google it and found out the original version was by Richard Harris in 1968 and it was based on the metaphor of lost love.  Really beautiful story: https://www.songfacts.com/facts/richard-harris/macarthur-park

But that's not what made me cry.  I thought about my dad, who died only a couple of weeks before his 56th birthday from a brain tumor. 

When I was in college, he recorded a Donna Summer concert for me, and I always thought how sweet of him.  He was a tough man and had a hard life, but he did his best to give his kids a good life and was a hard worker.  I will always love him for that.

I remember how hard it was for him to show his tender emotions and when he did, it always broke me down.  I can't imagine what it was like for him, growing up in Puerto Rico, moving from home to home with people who didn't treat him well after his parents died when he was so young.  Breaks my heart to even think about it.

Not too long ago, I saw a picture of him at age 5, dressed in cute little man clothes, and my sister reminded me that he used to work in the sugar cane fields and sometimes didn't get to eat until he was done working because he had a mean stepfather at that point in his life.  

Would I have been more understanding had I known these things when I was younger?

Maybe... but either way, I'm grateful.  I have a good life, I've never had to go hungry, and I had parents who loved me and did the best they could.

AND all that came flooding back to me today, on a rainy day, thinking about leaving cake out in the rain... go figure...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3eQOYimLUt4

 

When I was a kid, I was such a star gazer.  I had forgotten that part of me.  How wonderful to remember it again!

I had a card deck of all the planets and spent so much time looking at it.  I wish I still had it.  My mom used to throw stuff out every time we moved, and even though it makes me sad, I get it.  They had four kids in a 2-bedroom apartment in NYC until we upsized and had the luxury of a third bedroom!  Of course, that room went to my brother, the only male with three sisters.

So long story short, I had to let go of a lot of "stuff" that I loved.  I think that's why I keep so much "stuff" now.  Sometimes I wish someone would sneak in when I wasn't around and get rid of "stuff" like my mom did.  It would make it easier to let go...

But back to the planets, I digress.  

I think it's time to revisit that love of astronomy.  When we "grow up," we forget so much of what made us happy.  And now, with this digital world, we get so distracted.

I loved star gazing, and I need to do more of it.  Maybe it's time to plan a trip to a planetarium!

Passion

 I start teaching in person next week.  It's the first time I've done this LIVE.  I liked teaching online because I didn't have to go anywhere, especially when the weather was terrible, and I could do it any time.  While I enjoyed that experience, when the opportunity to teach a class in person, came up, I said YES immediately.  Didn't hesitate, didn't second guess, just said "FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY!"

Ever since that day, I've been getting excited, even though I wondered how I would do this?  Somehow, I know I will.  Is it what I was meant to do?  I love computers and I love learning.  This is something I'm passionate about.  Is it my mission?

Still not 100% sure how I'm going to do it.  I just know that I am.  And I know that I love it, already!

Music

 Today I was reminded of how music has impacted the many stages of my life.

It was a good reminder.  I'd forgotten how alive music made me feel and how many times I cried over a sentimental song and when it was over, I felt so healed.

It's been a long time since I was in touch with that side of myself.  

HELLO BEAUTIFUL, WELCOME BACK!

Imposter!

I never realized there was a "term" for what I was feeling, but thanks to the Internet, I had a light bulb moment a few years ago.  IMPOSTER SYNDROME!  Who knew I was suffering from that?  Who knew that other people felt the same?

It was such a relief to realize I wasn't an imposter. I was brilliant and deserving and here's a secret, SO ARE YOU!

I no longer doubt myself (well not always) and I believe I can do anything if I really want to!  I live by the motto "Feel Fear AND DO IT ANYWAY!".  So many things I wouldn't have if not for that -- like the job that I love during the day and teaching at night.  I didn't think I was qualified for either and guess what? I am!

There was a great course (Overcoming Imposter Syndrome) that I took on Insight Timer a few years ago.  It was life-changing for me!

Healing

My son's girlfriend posted this today, making me stop and think.  I've been good about letting go of the situations that caused me suffering in the past... or so I think, but then stuff creeps up, and triggers happen, and I realize so much of it is still in there, trapped, hurting, weighing heavy on me.  "Occupying space" that I should be holding for better things.

I have a great life.  I've come so far.  When I think about where I was ten, even 5 years ago, compared to where I am now, I'm stunned.  So many amazing changes, less stress, less "suffering."  How happy that single Mom I became 15 years ago would have been to have what I have now.  How RELIEVED she would have been to be able to buy things for her kids without worrying about money, to go out to eat without looking at the prices on the menu, and to take them on vacation, knowing she could.

Those were dreams back then.  Now it's reality.  I'm so grateful.  And yet, sometimes I still feel like I'm "suffering" because someone says something that doesn't make me feel good, worthy, or just makes me sad or angry.  I've done so much healing, and I still need to look at the role I play in my own suffering.

A work in progress....

 

Walk boldly into the future little one...

 I love these types of writing prompts -- this one, to write a letter to my 5-year-old self stirred a lot of emotions in me: 

If I could go back in time and talk to my 5-year-old self, I would have so much to tell her.

Walk boldly into the future little one.  I know that this world is a scary place sometimes, but it won't always be that way.

You will grow up to be a beautiful, loving, strong woman.  You will have a life free of fear, in that beautiful house in the woods that you see in those beautiful House & Garden magazines that you love so much.

Your future is bright.

Those scenes you love so much, when you stand out in nature and listen to the trees, they will become a regular part of your life.

The peace that you crave will be yours.  The fights, the screaming, the tears, the fear, it will all be gone someday.

Walk boldly into the future little one, and don't look back, you're not going in that direction❤️