The tears, the questions...

 

I'm sure anyone who has had to make the difficult decision to help a pet cross over that rainbow bridge has struggled with knowing when the time is right.

I know I'm not alone in the sorrow I'm feeling since saying goodbye to my sweet Simon on Tuesday. I went through the same thing 8 months ago when we said goodbye to his brother Barney.  

Barney was hard to say goodbye to, he was always by my side or at my feet. But the cancer was wearing him down and he'd started having seizures and I wasn't going to let him suffer.

Simon was different, he had dementia and extreme anxiety.  I was finding him in my closet staring at a wall, trying to escape, to find peace, shaking like a leaf.  It broke my heart.  I tried meds, CBD oil, the thunder shirt, you name it.  But he seemed inconsolable.

He'd always been an anxious pup, but this was different. The day I called the vet, he'd been acting terrified for a couple of days and was following me so closely that I could barely walk or get anything done.

I wanted it over and now I live with that guilt of wondering if I could have done more, did I give up too easily?  My heart knows I did it for him.  I loved him, he was suffering, I didn't know what else to do. 😞 But my head is haunted by guilt.

That afternoon before the Vet came, I had him sit on my lap, it wasn't easy, he was still so confused and anxious, but he came to me and let me pet him and finally settled down.  She was late, and I sat with him for over an over.  That was probably the longest I'd been able to get him to relax in a while, he was still shaking a bit, but at least he wasn't pacing anymore.

When she got there, he jumped up in his usual excitement, barking, being his old self.  She started asking if he was still eating and drinking and I answered all her questions and couldn't help but wonder if she was thinking we shouldn't do this.

THAT has left me questioning myself.  It hurts like hell to have those doubts.

I held him on my lap and petted him and fed him treats.  Sweet old pup was happy for a change, and my heart was breaking.  When she gave him the sedative, he completely relaxed and I thought if only he could have been like this all along, it could have been different?  As I sat there waiting for the next step, I heard the GPS tag on the collar that I put on the table beep and started to wonder if it had been doing this all along.  He had become so sensitive to sounds, maybe the GPS on his color was why his anxiety was so high lately?

SO many thoughts raced through my mind.  But I never felt that I should stop what was happening.  I was so sure that he needed peace.  And he had it... he slipped away peacefully on my lap.

I've cried my heart out for that sweet pup.  The last connection I had to his brother Barney.  They had both been in this house since just after we moved in.  I was so excited to finally have a house again and to be able to adopt a dog.  And the fact that we found TWO rescues that needed a home just made it even better.

They were here as we turned the house into a home.

We adopted them almost without even thinking.  I hadn't had a dog in over 30 years and I didn't know anything about breeds or temperaments, but these two ended up being the best pets I could have gotten with my limited experience.

They were 2 sweet old men, almost 5, relatively calm, quiet and low maintenance.  What a gift. It was meant to be.

I learned so much from them.  Loving them was a gift. Losing them has left a hole in my heart.  I feel like a part of the house is gone.

I have the puppy that I adopted in June and I adore him, but no one will ever replace the 2 sweet souls that filled my heart for almost ten years. They were my constant companions, my reason for being so happy to work alone from home, my purpose for everything I did during the day.

I know they are together again.  The little statues on my deck that suddenly lit up again that night told me they were together and everything was ok, but my heart still hurts.  I know it will take time.

AND I know that Simon knows how much I loved him.  I know that he forgives me for the times I was inpatient, or didn't understand how to help his anxiety or for the times that he had to wait while I took care of Barney when he needed insulin or meds for his cancer, or when I had to take care of the puppy.

I hope he never felt like he was forgotten.  I hope the guilt I feel will subside and be replaced by the love I feel for him and his brother.  Even on the other side, I know they are always with me and that love will always be in my heart. I know that the peace I need will come... just like the peace he needed. 🙏

That familiar pain again...

Hard to believe that 8 months ago we lost our pup, Barney and today his brother Simon joined him.  I didn't think it could hurt this much.  Losing Barney was hard, he was always at my side.  I felt his loss so deeply.  I was grateful to still have Simon but he was different, sometimes a bit distant, mostly kept to himself, and I guess I thought that would lessen the loss, but I was wrong.

He was 14 and I know he had a good life, but I still questioned myself.  Did I do enough?  Was it too soon?  Was he really ready?  Those questions torment me again.  His dementia was stealing his life and his anxiety was so bad I could hear him shaking all the time.  It broke my heart.

I always promised myself that when the time came, I would do what was best for them, and not be selfish.  I didn't want them to suffer.  But there's that little voice that wonders if I was making their life better or mine?  I know that's a harsh question.  I devoted so much time and love to them and it was worth every second and every tear that rolls off my face now.

Tonight after Simon crossed over, the two statues that I bought 8 months ago lit up for the first time in a while.  Last night only one lit up.  I felt it was Barney letting me know he was waiting for Simon.  Tonight I felt they were letting me know there were together.

Know you were loved, sweet boys, rest in peace.  I am forever grateful. 🙏 Thank you for coming into my life, for rescuing me, and for awakening a part of my soul that I didn't even know existed. 💜

Finding My Voice Again

(This is something I was suddenly inspired to write, late at night, after feeling blocked for so long! So healing!)

"Be quiet," they said, "you talk too much."

So, I stopped sharing and swallowed it down,

Like the food that kept me company.

"Lose weight," they said, "you're too big,

No one will want you; no one will marry you."

So, I assumed I'd be alone, but I'd be okay.

"Don't be silly," they said,

"You're just a baby,

Your opinion doesn't count."

So, I no longer had one.

But I had plans, and I had dreams,

And I pursued them... quietly.

"Where are you going?" they said,

"You can't leave here; you can't make it alone!"

But I did and I survived, and I thrived.

"We knew it couldn't last," they said,

"You didn't know what you were doing,

You should never have left us."

But I left, and I made mistakes,

and they were mine, and I learned,

and I kept going, and I made a new life.

"Come back," they said, "come visit, let's be together."

But I had clarity, and I was free, and I was happy.

And I never went back, never even considered it.

And as they faded, whispers in the dust,

I knew I'd never return, never regret the flight.

In the silence I found my voice, in darkness, light. 

I was encouraged by some sweet teachers on Insight Timer to turn this into a track.  You can click here to listen: https://insighttimer.com/violet108/guided-meditations/finding-my-voice-again

More cool facts about the number 108

 

I read this today, and in addition to the other facts I've read about this sacred number, I love this:

In Hinduism, 108 represents the union of 1 (Brahman, the ultimate reality) and 0 (Maya, the illusion of the world) with 8 (the 8 directions of the compass, representing all possibilities). This combination symbolizes the totality of existence.

Hope and Love

"Hope and Love" by Jane Hirshfield. Another favorite. Another journaling prompt for my Insight Timer journaling tracks.  

💜💜💜💜💜

"Hope is the hardest love we carry"... such a powerful statement...

Hope and Love

by Jane Hirshfield

All winter

the blue heron

slept among the horses.

I do not know

the custom of herons,

do not know

if the solitary habit

is their way,

or if he listened for

some missing one—

not knowing even

that was what he did—

in the blowing

sounds in the dark,

I know that

hope is the hardest

love we carry.

He slept

with his long neck

folded, like a letter

put away.

The Guest House

Love this poem for so many reasons.  I used it as a journaling prompt on a track I created for Insight Timer recently and wanted to share it here for anyone else who might enjoy it.

And if you love Insight Timer as much as I do, listen to this track and journal with me: "The Guest House" By Rumi (Journaling Prompt)

The Guest House ~~ Rumi

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

Scripting

 I'm a huge fan of scripting, so I had to share this link!

3 things to do when scripting.