That familiar pain again...

Hard to believe that 8 months ago we lost our pup, Barney and today his brother Simon joined him.  I didn't think it could hurt this much.  Losing Barney was hard, he was always at my side.  I felt his loss so deeply.  I was grateful to still have Simon but he was different, sometimes a bit distant, mostly kept to himself, and I guess I thought that would lessen the loss, but I was wrong.

He was 14 and I know he had a good life, but I still questioned myself.  Did I do enough?  Was it too soon?  Was he really ready?  Those questions torment me again.  His dementia was stealing his life and his anxiety was so bad I could hear him shaking all the time.  It broke my heart.

I always promised myself that when the time came, I would do what was best for them, and not be selfish.  I didn't want them to suffer.  But there's that little voice that wonders if I was making their life better or mine?  I know that's a harsh question.  I devoted so much time and love to them and it was worth every second and every tear that rolls off my face now.

Tonight after Simon crossed over, the two statues that I bought 8 months ago lit up for the first time in a while.  Last night only one lit up.  I felt it was Barney letting me know he was waiting for Simon.  Tonight I felt they were letting me know there were together.

Know you were loved, sweet boys, rest in peace.  I am forever grateful. 🙏 Thank you for coming into my life, for rescuing me, and for awakening a part of my soul that I didn't even know existed. 💜

Finding My Voice Again

(This is something I was suddenly inspired to write, late at night, after feeling blocked for so long! So healing!)

"Be quiet," they said, "you talk too much."

So, I stopped sharing and swallowed it down,

Like the food that kept me company.

"Lose weight," they said, "you're too big,

No one will want you; no one will marry you."

So, I assumed I'd be alone, but I'd be okay.

"Don't be silly," they said,

"You're just a baby,

Your opinion doesn't count."

So, I no longer had one.

But I had plans, and I had dreams,

And I pursued them... quietly.

"Where are you going?" they said,

"You can't leave here; you can't make it alone!"

But I did and I survived, and I thrived.

"We knew it couldn't last," they said,

"You didn't know what you were doing,

You should never have left us."

But I left, and I made mistakes,

and they were mine, and I learned,

and I kept going, and I made a new life.

"Come back," they said, "come visit, let's be together."

But I had clarity, and I was free, and I was happy.

And I never went back, never even considered it.

And as they faded, whispers in the dust,

I knew I'd never return, never regret the flight.

In the silence I found my voice, in darkness, light. 

More cool facts about the number 108

 

I read this today, and in addition to the other facts I've read about this sacred number, I love this:

In Hinduism, 108 represents the union of 1 (Brahman, the ultimate reality) and 0 (Maya, the illusion of the world) with 8 (the 8 directions of the compass, representing all possibilities). This combination symbolizes the totality of existence.

Hope and Love

"Hope and Love" by Jane Hirshfield. Another favorite. Another journaling prompt for my Insight Timer journaling tracks.  

💜💜💜💜💜

"Hope is the hardest love we carry"... such a powerful statement...

Hope and Love

by Jane Hirshfield

All winter

the blue heron

slept among the horses.

I do not know

the custom of herons,

do not know

if the solitary habit

is their way,

or if he listened for

some missing one—

not knowing even

that was what he did—

in the blowing

sounds in the dark,

I know that

hope is the hardest

love we carry.

He slept

with his long neck

folded, like a letter

put away.

The Guest House

Love this poem for so many reasons.  I used it as a journaling prompt on a track I created for Insight Timer recently and wanted to share it here for anyone else who might enjoy it.

And if you love Insight Timer as much as I do, listen to this track and journal with me: "The Guest House" By Rumi (Journaling Prompt)

The Guest House ~~ Rumi

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

Scripting

 I'm a huge fan of scripting, so I had to share this link!

3 things to do when scripting.

Insight Timer LIVE: Surrendering to Life's Calling with Dayana and Don

 Dayana Pereira and Don McAvinchey came together LIVE for a second time on Insight Timer (10/5/23) to have another conversation.  This time the topic was about "The Surrender Experiment", where Michael Singer says we can gradually give over our lives to what Spirit is calling us to do. It takes practice, and a commitment to see the difficult events in our lives as opportunities for letting go...

Click here to watch the replay of this session. 

https://youtu.be/2DwBaPTEU7w

Click below to follow them on Insight Timer:

Dayana Pereira - https://insighttimer.com/dayana

Don McAvinchey - https://insighttimer.com/donmcavinchey 

And while you're there, please follow me as well!