Goodbye to you...

I still can't believe that you left this world.  Only 57 years old.  I still remember that 22-year-old boy that I fell in love with.  We were such different people back then.  We were so full of hope for the future.

Who knew?

I think to myself that if I hadn't divorced you when I did, I'd be a widow now instead of the ex-wife.

Scary.

Glad I'm not your widow, still sorry you are dead.  That may sound harsh, but it's true.  You were often a pain in the ass and I'm annoyed that you couldn't show your sons that you loved them, because I know you did, but you showed it in the most bizarre ways. 

You were often loud, sometimes mean, very hurtful.

But I know that was only one side of you.

I knew the person who would do anything to help sometimes.  I knew a guy who loved his baby boys.  I knew the man who was heartbroken when he had to move to another home and didn't see them every night.

But I also knew that guy who could be mean, selfish, hurtful.

Still, the last thing I wished for was your death.

I wished you would have come to your senses, to tell your boys how much you loved them, to set a good example for them, to watch your grandson grow up and to be a good person.

I wish you could have had a desire to live.  I wish I didn't feel somehow to blame for your demise.  I know that's not true, even though you blamed me often, but I still felt sad when I ended our marriage and had to make you move out.  I wasn't sad because I had second thoughts, but because I never meant to hurt you and I hoped someday you'd be happy.

But in retrospect, I don't know if you had it in you to let yourself be happy.  You spent a good portion of your final years with another person who did her best to love you and you disappointed her too, so I can only assume that you were never going to allow anyone to make you happy.

Did you die sad and lonely?  I hope not.  I hope your time with your brother was good.  I hope you knew your kids loved you even if they kept their distance because you were being so mean to everyone.

I hope you found moments of happiness and that when you took your last breath you weren't scared, but hopefully relieved, free from pain and suffering and struggling, free from the fighting, the anger, the sadness, whatever it was you felt for so long.

Be free now, be happy, be peaceful.

And if you come back in another life, be happy, be light, be love...