How do you explain the sadness you feel over the death of someone that you divorced 15 years ago?
How do you explain that even though he could be very hurtful and cruel, he also had a real human, once loving side, that you loved as a 22-year-old girl?
How do you explain that knowing your sons have lost their father, that he will never get the chance to make amends with them, that knowing he died alone in a hospital with $11 in his possession and a small bag as empty as the life he was leading at the end, fills you with such immense sadness, you can hardly hold it in?
And why should you explain? Why can't it just be OK that the human in you honored the human in him and now grieves for a life you once knew?
I wish for so many things. I wish he could have been different. I wish he could have seen the pain he was causing the ones who once loved him. I wish he could have made the effort to keep everyone close to him. I wish he would have had the will to live. I wish I didn't feel responsible for some of his unhappiness. I wish he could have believed in himself.
But it's too late for any of that now. He's gone and all I wish now is that he's resting in peace and that he can be in death, the person he couldn't be in life.
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