Dreams...

I dreamt about him last night. I can't remember the details of the dream, just that he was there, and it was friendly.

I woke up this morning and realized that it was 35 years ago today that we spoke for the first time. 

Wow, how crazy is that?  Who knew where life would take me from that one party line phone call.  And again, divine intervention, had the operator of that line not taken me aside and told me that he felt like he "messed up" and that he was a nice guy, and I should give him another chance, I might not have ever met him, dated him, married him.  Might not have had my two amazing boys.

And for that I am grateful.  I adore my sons and my grandbaby.

I loved that young 22-year-old man that I met 35 years ago.  I'm sorry he died so young and that he didn't fix his relationship with his kids and that he died blaming everyone for his unhappiness.  Deep down, I want to believe that he never meant any harm.

I love this quote that I saw today.  It also made me think of our relationship, and our marriage.

Maybe I didn't really know him, but for a while, my mind made him into something beautiful.

And I have my two sons, and a good life... I have no regrets...

Goodbye to you...

I still can't believe that you left this world.  Only 57 years old.  I still remember that 22-year-old boy that I fell in love with.  We were such different people back then.  We were so full of hope for the future.

Who knew?

I think to myself that if I hadn't divorced you when I did, I'd be a widow now instead of the ex-wife.

Scary.

Glad I'm not your widow, still sorry you are dead.  That may sound harsh, but it's true.  You were often a pain in the ass and I'm annoyed that you couldn't show your sons that you loved them, because I know you did, but you showed it in the most bizarre ways. 

You were often loud, sometimes mean, very hurtful.

But I know that was only one side of you.

I knew the person who would do anything to help sometimes.  I knew a guy who loved his baby boys.  I knew the man who was heartbroken when he had to move to another home and didn't see them every night.

But I also knew that guy who could be mean, selfish, hurtful.

Still, the last thing I wished for was your death.

I wished you would have come to your senses, to tell your boys how much you loved them, to set a good example for them, to watch your grandson grow up and to be a good person.

I wish you could have had a desire to live.  I wish I didn't feel somehow to blame for your demise.  I know that's not true, even though you blamed me often, but I still felt sad when I ended our marriage and had to make you move out.  I wasn't sad because I had second thoughts, but because I never meant to hurt you and I hoped someday you'd be happy.

But in retrospect, I don't know if you had it in you to let yourself be happy.  You spent a good portion of your final years with another person who did her best to love you and you disappointed her too, so I can only assume that you were never going to allow anyone to make you happy.

Did you die sad and lonely?  I hope not.  I hope your time with your brother was good.  I hope you knew your kids loved you even if they kept their distance because you were being so mean to everyone.

I hope you found moments of happiness and that when you took your last breath you weren't scared, but hopefully relieved, free from pain and suffering and struggling, free from the fighting, the anger, the sadness, whatever it was you felt for so long.

Be free now, be happy, be peaceful.

And if you come back in another life, be happy, be light, be love...

How do you explain...

How do you explain the sadness you feel over the death of someone that you divorced 15 years ago?

How do you explain that even though he could be very hurtful and cruel, he also had a real human, once loving side, that you loved as a 22-year-old girl?

How do you explain that knowing your sons have lost their father, that he will never get the chance to make amends with them, that knowing he died alone in a hospital with $11 in his possession and a small bag as empty as the life he was leading at the end, fills you with such immense sadness, you can hardly hold it in?

And why should you explain?  Why can't it just be OK that the human in you honored the human in him and now grieves for a life you once knew?

My heart is broken, for the sorrow my son feels, for the pain I can relate to, for the grandson he won't get to watch grow up.

I wish for so many things.  I wish he could have been different.  I wish he could have seen the pain he was causing the ones who once loved him.  I wish he could have made the effort to keep everyone close to him.  I wish he would have had the will to live.  I wish I didn't feel responsible for some of his unhappiness.  I wish he could have believed in himself.

But it's too late for any of that now.  He's gone and all I wish now is that he's resting in peace and that he can be in death, the person he couldn't be in life. 

FOMO

I kept telling myself that I'm going to get to bed earlier, but that doesn't seem to happen.

Is it FOMO? Who knows?  I tend to think too much.  And I tend to worry too much.  I have an 85-year-old mother who loves to talk to scammers on Facebook.  She's so lonely that this fills that void for her, although I keep explaining that these people are not her friends.  They're not in love with her and they're not coming to rescue her.  She knows that, but she continues...  Sometimes, I spend a lot of time trying to make sure she's not being swindled.  

Apparently, I haven't always been successful, as she went through a lengthy period where she was spending more than usual and no matter how much I asked, she denied giving anyone money.  Now I've come to find out that the newest scam involved buying gift cards and giving the information to the scammer.  Who knew? Now I know... But she's a grown up and I can't stop her from giving away the little bit of money she gets from Social Security and her tiny pension.  I just make sure she has groceries and a place to live, and I hope she stays safe, and I never drive my own kids crazy that way. 

Meh... glad I didn't inherit that insanity from her!

When a song makes you cry...

 

Got a text from a friend who wanted to know if I'd left something out in the rain, and it immediately brought my mind to "MacArthur Park" by Donna Summer (someone left the cake out in the rain?) -- it made us laugh because she said she never knew what that song was about.

OF COURSE, I had to Google it and found out the original version was by Richard Harris in 1968 and it was based on the metaphor of lost love.  Really beautiful story: https://www.songfacts.com/facts/richard-harris/macarthur-park

But that's not what made me cry.  I thought about my dad, who died only a couple of weeks before his 56th birthday from a brain tumor. 

When I was in college, he recorded a Donna Summer concert for me, and I always thought how sweet of him.  He was a tough man and had a hard life, but he did his best to give his kids a good life and was a hard worker.  I will always love him for that.

I remember how hard it was for him to show his tender emotions and when he did, it always broke me down.  I can't imagine what it was like for him, growing up in Puerto Rico, moving from home to home with people who didn't treat him well after his parents died when he was so young.  Breaks my heart to even think about it.

Not too long ago, I saw a picture of him at age 5, dressed in cute little man clothes, and my sister reminded me that he used to work in the sugar cane fields and sometimes didn't get to eat until he was done working because he had a mean stepfather at that point in his life.  

Would I have been more understanding had I known these things when I was younger?

Maybe... but either way, I'm grateful.  I have a good life, I've never had to go hungry, and I had parents who loved me and did the best they could.

AND all that came flooding back to me today, on a rainy day, thinking about leaving cake out in the rain... go figure...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3eQOYimLUt4

 

When I was a kid, I was such a star gazer.  I had forgotten that part of me.  How wonderful to remember it again!

I had a card deck of all the planets and spent so much time looking at it.  I wish I still had it.  My mom used to throw stuff out every time we moved, and even though it makes me sad, I get it.  They had four kids in a 2-bedroom apartment in NYC until we upsized and had the luxury of a third bedroom!  Of course, that room went to my brother, the only male with three sisters.

So long story short, I had to let go of a lot of "stuff" that I loved.  I think that's why I keep so much "stuff" now.  Sometimes I wish someone would sneak in when I wasn't around and get rid of "stuff" like my mom did.  It would make it easier to let go...

But back to the planets, I digress.  

I think it's time to revisit that love of astronomy.  When we "grow up," we forget so much of what made us happy.  And now, with this digital world, we get so distracted.

I loved star gazing, and I need to do more of it.  Maybe it's time to plan a trip to a planetarium!

Passion

 I start teaching in person next week.  It's the first time I've done this LIVE.  I liked teaching online because I didn't have to go anywhere, especially when the weather was terrible, and I could do it any time.  While I enjoyed that experience, when the opportunity to teach a class in person, came up, I said YES immediately.  Didn't hesitate, didn't second guess, just said "FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY!"

Ever since that day, I've been getting excited, even though I wondered how I would do this?  Somehow, I know I will.  Is it what I was meant to do?  I love computers and I love learning.  This is something I'm passionate about.  Is it my mission?

Still not 100% sure how I'm going to do it.  I just know that I am.  And I know that I love it, already!