If it makes you happy...

 

I must confess, I'm obsessed with crystals.

It started about a year before the COVID pandemic about 4 years ago.  My husband and I attended a workshop led by an amazing woman who runs the Rose Healing center and plays a beautiful crystal harp.

During one of our meditations, she let us all hold crystals that she had placed around the room. It was love at first sight!  

I was drawn to a beautiful fuchsite heart and ended up buying it and a small amethyst tower from her.

Eventually I started attending holistic shows in the area and buying crystals that I was drawn to, mostly hearts because well, who doesn't love a pretty heart? 💜 My collection was growing slowly until COVID-19 when everything went virtual.  A friend told me about a crystal shop that was trying to survive by doing LIVE shows on Facebook and of COURSE I wanted to help, so I bought a LOT of crystals... I mean A LOT! 😁  I was thinking I might need rehab...

You'll be happy to know that I got a grip on it (somewhat) and slowed down after adorning my house with hundreds of beautiful crystals.  I have a lovely collection of Angels, hearts, spheres, towers, a few wands... you get the idea. OH and I also bought a beautiful crystal singing bowl (a gift for my husband who loves them now).  I've since added a shamanic ocean drum, Tibetan bells and a small Tibetan bowl to the collection.  I also acquired quite a few card decks, but that's another post...

Long story short, the energy in my house is amazing.  I look around and it brings me joy.  So ok, I might have spent a lot, but I supported a lot of small businesses and I have enough crystals to combat any bad energy for at least the next 50 years.  Win--WIN! 💜🙏💜 

Script your day!

I've loved journaling since I was about 10 years old.

A couple of years ago I listened to "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron because I kept hearing about a journaling technique called "Morning Pages" and was curious to learn more.

Here's what I learned: Morning pages are three pages of stream-of-consciousness writing that you do first thing in the morning. There are no rules for what you can write about in your morning pages, but it's important to write without judgment or editing. The goal of morning pages is to get your thoughts and feelings out on paper so that you can start your day with a clear mind.

Many people will tell you that you should handwrite with pen and paper, but I'm a tech girl and I love tablets, computers, smartphones, and any format that connects me to a cloud and to a secure way of protecting what I write.

I didn't want to dismiss the theory behind writing with a pen though, so I did the only logical thing, I started writing on Samsung Notes with my Samsung pen on my Samsung tablet!  I was hooked!  I loved the smooth feeling of writing with my smartpen, and I loved that I could convert it to text, leave it as is (which I did) and store my notes securely in the cloud where I can access them with my Smartphone, my laptop, my tablet, etc... you get the point.

So, every morning for the past couple of years, I've been doing these morning pages, but they've evolved.

First, I don't always write three pages.  Some days I only write one, other days it could be more, some days I write about the dreams I had the night before, the frustrations I felt, the joys I've experienced, the hopes I have or just the gratitude I feel for waking up in a warm bed with a beautiful roof over my head.

One after randomly mentioning this to a friend who had done a podcast on a technique called "scripting", I decided that my morning pages would evolve into "scripting" my day!  

So, what is scripting you ask and how does one do this?  Basically, it's technique where you envision how the day is going to play out for you.  It's a manifesting technique, if you will, and whether you believe in it or not, I love it!  

Why do I love it?  Because it puts me in a great frame of mind, and it starts my day off with the right vibe.  And does it work?  YES!  Call me crazy, but I'm manifesting an amazing life and not a day goes by that I'm not grateful.  And no, not every day is perfect, and not every day should be, or how would I know the difference between a wonderful day and a not so great one?

Here are some helpful tips on scripting.  Take what resonates. I don't use them all:

• Wake up early (or just wake up! I'm not a morning person, I confess!) and take some time for yourself. This could mean meditating, journaling, or simply enjoying a cup of coffee in peace.
• Set your intentions for the day. What do you want to accomplish? How do you want to feel?
• Visualize your day going perfectly. What are the small moments that will make you happy?
• Write down your script. This could be a simple list or a more detailed account of your day.
• Read your script aloud. This will help you to really connect with your intentions and visualize your day coming to fruition.
• Take action! Start your day with a positive attitude and go after what you want.

Here are some additional tips for scripting your day:

• Be specific. The more specific you are about your intentions, the more likely they are to come true.
• Be positive. Focus on the things you want, not the things you don't want.
• Believe in yourself. Trust that you have the power to create the day you want.
• Have fun! Scripting your day should be a positive experience. Enjoy the process of creating your perfect day.

I hope these steps help you to script your day and create the life you want.  Again, I don't use them all.  I'm more of a "fly by the seat of my pants" kind of gal, but maybe these steps give you some ideas.  And please share any ideas you have!

It might sound "woo woo" but I can tell you it has filled my life with lots of reasons to be grateful!

And if you're looking for more information on scripting, here's a great article I found online:

https://www.wellandgood.com/scripting-manifestation-technique/amp/

Dreams...

I dreamt about him last night. I can't remember the details of the dream, just that he was there, and it was friendly.

I woke up this morning and realized that it was 35 years ago today that we spoke for the first time. 

Wow, how crazy is that?  Who knew where life would take me from that one party line phone call.  And again, divine intervention, had the operator of that line not taken me aside and told me that he felt like he "messed up" and that he was a nice guy, and I should give him another chance, I might not have ever met him, dated him, married him.  Might not have had my two amazing boys.

And for that I am grateful.  I adore my sons and my grandbaby.

I loved that young 22-year-old man that I met 35 years ago.  I'm sorry he died so young and that he didn't fix his relationship with his kids and that he died blaming everyone for his unhappiness.  Deep down, I want to believe that he never meant any harm.

I love this quote that I saw today.  It also made me think of our relationship, and our marriage.

Maybe I didn't really know him, but for a while, my mind made him into something beautiful.

And I have my two sons, and a good life... I have no regrets...

Goodbye to you...

I still can't believe that you left this world.  Only 57 years old.  I still remember that 22-year-old boy that I fell in love with.  We were such different people back then.  We were so full of hope for the future.

Who knew?

I think to myself that if I hadn't divorced you when I did, I'd be a widow now instead of the ex-wife.

Scary.

Glad I'm not your widow, still sorry you are dead.  That may sound harsh, but it's true.  You were often a pain in the ass and I'm annoyed that you couldn't show your sons that you loved them, because I know you did, but you showed it in the most bizarre ways. 

You were often loud, sometimes mean, very hurtful.

But I know that was only one side of you.

I knew the person who would do anything to help sometimes.  I knew a guy who loved his baby boys.  I knew the man who was heartbroken when he had to move to another home and didn't see them every night.

But I also knew that guy who could be mean, selfish, hurtful.

Still, the last thing I wished for was your death.

I wished you would have come to your senses, to tell your boys how much you loved them, to set a good example for them, to watch your grandson grow up and to be a good person.

I wish you could have had a desire to live.  I wish I didn't feel somehow to blame for your demise.  I know that's not true, even though you blamed me often, but I still felt sad when I ended our marriage and had to make you move out.  I wasn't sad because I had second thoughts, but because I never meant to hurt you and I hoped someday you'd be happy.

But in retrospect, I don't know if you had it in you to let yourself be happy.  You spent a good portion of your final years with another person who did her best to love you and you disappointed her too, so I can only assume that you were never going to allow anyone to make you happy.

Did you die sad and lonely?  I hope not.  I hope your time with your brother was good.  I hope you knew your kids loved you even if they kept their distance because you were being so mean to everyone.

I hope you found moments of happiness and that when you took your last breath you weren't scared, but hopefully relieved, free from pain and suffering and struggling, free from the fighting, the anger, the sadness, whatever it was you felt for so long.

Be free now, be happy, be peaceful.

And if you come back in another life, be happy, be light, be love...

How do you explain...

How do you explain the sadness you feel over the death of someone that you divorced 15 years ago?

How do you explain that even though he could be very hurtful and cruel, he also had a real human, once loving side, that you loved as a 22-year-old girl?

How do you explain that knowing your sons have lost their father, that he will never get the chance to make amends with them, that knowing he died alone in a hospital with $11 in his possession and a small bag as empty as the life he was leading at the end, fills you with such immense sadness, you can hardly hold it in?

And why should you explain?  Why can't it just be OK that the human in you honored the human in him and now grieves for a life you once knew?

My heart is broken, for the sorrow my son feels, for the pain I can relate to, for the grandson he won't get to watch grow up.

I wish for so many things.  I wish he could have been different.  I wish he could have seen the pain he was causing the ones who once loved him.  I wish he could have made the effort to keep everyone close to him.  I wish he would have had the will to live.  I wish I didn't feel responsible for some of his unhappiness.  I wish he could have believed in himself.

But it's too late for any of that now.  He's gone and all I wish now is that he's resting in peace and that he can be in death, the person he couldn't be in life. 

FOMO

I kept telling myself that I'm going to get to bed earlier, but that doesn't seem to happen.

Is it FOMO? Who knows?  I tend to think too much.  And I tend to worry too much.  I have an 85-year-old mother who loves to talk to scammers on Facebook.  She's so lonely that this fills that void for her, although I keep explaining that these people are not her friends.  They're not in love with her and they're not coming to rescue her.  She knows that, but she continues...  Sometimes, I spend a lot of time trying to make sure she's not being swindled.  

Apparently, I haven't always been successful, as she went through a lengthy period where she was spending more than usual and no matter how much I asked, she denied giving anyone money.  Now I've come to find out that the newest scam involved buying gift cards and giving the information to the scammer.  Who knew? Now I know... But she's a grown up and I can't stop her from giving away the little bit of money she gets from Social Security and her tiny pension.  I just make sure she has groceries and a place to live, and I hope she stays safe, and I never drive my own kids crazy that way. 

Meh... glad I didn't inherit that insanity from her!

When a song makes you cry...

 

Got a text from a friend who wanted to know if I'd left something out in the rain, and it immediately brought my mind to "MacArthur Park" by Donna Summer (someone left the cake out in the rain?) -- it made us laugh because she said she never knew what that song was about.

OF COURSE, I had to Google it and found out the original version was by Richard Harris in 1968 and it was based on the metaphor of lost love.  Really beautiful story: https://www.songfacts.com/facts/richard-harris/macarthur-park

But that's not what made me cry.  I thought about my dad, who died only a couple of weeks before his 56th birthday from a brain tumor. 

When I was in college, he recorded a Donna Summer concert for me, and I always thought how sweet of him.  He was a tough man and had a hard life, but he did his best to give his kids a good life and was a hard worker.  I will always love him for that.

I remember how hard it was for him to show his tender emotions and when he did, it always broke me down.  I can't imagine what it was like for him, growing up in Puerto Rico, moving from home to home with people who didn't treat him well after his parents died when he was so young.  Breaks my heart to even think about it.

Not too long ago, I saw a picture of him at age 5, dressed in cute little man clothes, and my sister reminded me that he used to work in the sugar cane fields and sometimes didn't get to eat until he was done working because he had a mean stepfather at that point in his life.  

Would I have been more understanding had I known these things when I was younger?

Maybe... but either way, I'm grateful.  I have a good life, I've never had to go hungry, and I had parents who loved me and did the best they could.

AND all that came flooding back to me today, on a rainy day, thinking about leaving cake out in the rain... go figure...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3eQOYimLUt4